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| life with a 5 year old in the house is never dull. i'm sure if you have one or have had one, you would heartily agree. for instance, kayla's imagination never ceases to amaze me. its created all kinds of imaginary friends, however - one steady still remains after at least 3 years ... "shushu". that's right. an imaginary friend named shushu. i have no idea where the name came from but its stuck. shushu even made it to japan with us. nope. i have no idea. i just smile and let her mind run wild!
this weekend, several of us went out, per jimmy's birthday request, for indian curry. on the way out the door, kayla informed us that her group of blind friends would be joining us. yes, BLIND friends. and yes, these are also imaginary. now, how does one imagine up a group of blind friends?! no, i have nothing against blind people, of course. but i can't remember the last time i've seen a blind person, let alone a GROUP of them. hmmmm...
and today, while she was complaining that she didn't like the dinner choice i had made - i asked her to recall some of the pictures of the children from haiti and how hungry they were and that she should be thankful for whatever i decide to make and eat it with a happy heart. (i know, i know - pulling the typical parent's: "think of all the starving children in XX country...") she informed me that they were hungry b/c they were brown. i promptly told her that there were plenty of white people that would be happy for a meal, as well. to which she looked at me with her head cocked and said, "i'm not white, i'm more like light pink!" ah yes, this is true, i suppose.
anyway.
we have some pretty big news to share. no, i'm not pregnant (at least i don't *think* i'm pregnant!). why is that always ALWAYS the first guess?
the big news is: we are moving home. as in, away from japan, back to the motherland. that's right. late march, early april. a mere two months away.
no, i haven't been keeping it a big secret. it just happened really quickly. as in, within a two week time span. that's fast. considering. its a huge life change. you have to realize, i've been here for almost a solid two years. all japan. two years.
ok, so now you're probably wondering why!? what the heck is going on??!! a million questions. i'll try and give some satisfactory answers...
back in october, we were asked to make a decision about whether or not we would stay a third year. after much prayer, talking, thinking, mulling it over - we both agreed that we felt a third year was the direction we were supposed to take. it came as a surprise to many of our friends and family. after all, in august, i had just dealt with dangerously high blood pressure, jimmy had had a hard time securing work while living here, and we were all generally a bit worn out. but. we followed the peace. and at that time, that's where it led us.
months went by and things moved along. but around the end of december, i started feeling some unrest inside of me. we'd joke about going home, but knowing we'd given our word and would remain faithful to that, even if times were hard. i toyed with the idea of going to visit my sister over spring break. after all, two solid years overseas was starting to wear on me. little things started bothering me ... realizing that i was missing precious moments with kayla and that she was growing up before my eyes, little feelings of maybe wanting to add to our family, seeing jimmy patiently suffering through the days not being able to support and provide for us the way God created him to do, intense fear every month b/c adding to our family while living here is dangerous to my health (literally) ... wondering if staying was really the best thing - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - for our family ... and yet, loving this place so deeply it hurt to think about saying goodbye.
until one night, we got an email. crazy. mid january. asking if we were still happy with our decision to stay. such a kind and gentle email. considerate and caring. i showed it to jimmy. forwarded it to my parents asking for their prayers. and went to bed. all night, i drempt of the goodbyes i'd have to say if we left ... crying, waking up with a pillow soaked in tears. all the next morning, i cried my heart out, but deep down, i felt His urging ... this was the answer we'd been looking for.
bit by bit, the confirmation came. my parents were also praying for direction (their desire is to serve on staff at the Int'l House of Prayer in Kansas City, but needed some direction on what to do with their home) and offered us their home and a car for as long as we needed so we could sort out our next direction. jimmy landed another contract, giving him the finances to help us possibly purchase plane tickets and/or things we would need upon arrival home. kayla, tender hearted as she is, started talking about wanting to go home (this was a FIRST!). there was a great candidate waiting and ready to take my place here. and so on ...
so, we waited. we prayed. and we waited.
last week, i met with encho sensei. he was so kind. so gracious. so understanding. it was the last bit of confirmation i needed. through tears, i told him how hard this decision had been, but i knew it was right.
and so we're going home. crazy. the emotions are so mixed. yes, i'm excited. i have a few wonderful friends that we will live close to - an answer to my prayers. but the goodbyes are hard. many many tears have already been shed. and many more will flood my eyes, i'm certain. but even in the sadness, there is peace. and yet, i hold this place in my heart. forever. i can't imagine saying goodbye forever. i know we will be back. maybe to help recruit teachers, maybe to train others, maybe to encourage, maybe to visit kayla as she teaches here. i don't know. but i do know that God has planted this place deep within my heart. i love these people. so much that it hurts. and i'm thankful. grateful. excited. and sad. all at once.
i've also found myself wondering ... what will it be like to find my place once again - in a whole new place. i've done it many times now, throughout my life. i know it can be done. but the older i get, i have to admit - it gets a tad bit more intimidating. i can't expect anyone to understand our experience here. the things we've learned. the struggles we've had. the heartaches we've endured. the joys we've shared. but i know we must go on. holding these people in our hearts as we go.
there you have it.
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| i'm certain that soon, very soon, i'll have a much more long winded post to fill your time with. however, in the mean time, i'll leave you with the one thing i've been clinging to the past couple of weeks...
"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You..." Isaiah 26:3
and something to make you smile ... come on, you can't help but adore these two munchkins!
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| funny kayla quotes of late... yes, living with a spunky 5yo is never dull!
watching football with her daddy: "my favorite part is when somebody wins and there's confetti!!"
upon entering our hotel room in tokyo: "wow, mommy - look! the toilet and shower are right next to each other!" (most homes in japan have separate toilet and bath rooms)
early in the morning, hearing daddy mention he can't see very well: "well, put on your glasses and take a look around!"
"the cutest person is mommy. the handsomest person is daddy. and the snuggliest person is kayla!"
"i really like aunt reb, ashley, lis, grandma, grandpa, aunt joanna, uncle josh, mamaw ... but you and daddy are the ones i love the MOST in the world!"
"oooh, i just love it when mei-chan comes over to my house to play! she's so cute! i wish we could take her back to america with us." -of her best friend, in anticipation of tomorrow's cookie decorating playdate.
oh, the joys of living in japan and kids wearing undershirts ALL the time - "mommy, when you got married, were you JUST wearing an UNDERSHIRT?!"
"i tooted! it was a woofer!"
"i'm sad that i can't sit on your shoulders or walk on the ceiling, but i still like to grow!"
signing her name in a card to kawaai sensei, who's mother just passed away: "when you and daddy die, can i send you a card too? when i die i bet i can take it to heaven for you!"
having kayla fold the laundry is both helpful and interesting. the other day she asked "why does daddy's underwear have a HOLE in the front of them?" | | |
| i feel as though i might be one of the only ones left here on xanga ... blogspot, blogger, etc seem to have won everyone over. i've also had the same email address for years. i guess i just like familiarity. once i figure out how to work something, i don't like to change it up. even if its easier, better, faster, cleaner, etc. at least online, anyway. but today, i made the plunge. switched my email from yahoo to gmail. i think the google reader sold me. now i can easily catch up with all of my friends on their blogs - in one place. phew.
and now, for some random musings ...
yes, another new year. usually i feel great anticipation for a new year. for some reason, i don't this time. i feel tired. i'm cold. i'm left wondering ... pondering ...
we're here in japan for another year. nope, i haven't felt much homesickness at all until the last month. i guess its about time it hit. i've been here for a solid 21 months now. it was bound to happen. skyping home. missing my family. realizing i still have yet to meet my nephew and niece (both turned a year old in october). waking up to below freezing temperatures INSIDE my house. missing the comforts of "home". missing my friends. my bosom buddies.
we went to tokyo this week. was delightful to get away. take a break from the norm. something you just have to do sometimes. we ate lots of mexican food and krispy kreme donuts. too much. we spent a full day at disneyland. seeing kayla's grinning face was priceless. we browsed for books in a totally english section of a bookstore. and then we crammed ourselves and our bags onto an overpacked bullet train and headed back to funehiki.
its cold here. bitter cold. in fact, when i wake up in the morning, i can see my breath in our bedroom. yes, it was below freezing in our house this morning. in fact, after having the heaters blasting for 3 hours, it still remained a chilly 50 degrees in our kitchen/living area. you could see your breath in the rest of the house. all day. not exactly something i was excited to come back to.
i know God has purpose in everything. i hope this year to find it in the every day life that i live here. i hope to show and find His love every single day. that is my hope. my prayer for 2010. may sound shallow or selfish, but that's where i'm at. and i know that He loves me exactly where i'm at.
i am excited for february. strange, but yes, i am. my brother is coming to visit us for a week! that is a HUGE bright spot in our frigid winter! yay josh! its always good to see him. doesn't happen often enough.
i've been thinking. if we're all born "blank slates" so to speak, how do you suppose people become pessimists or optimists? some think its a born trait. some believe you're a product of your environment. its a curious thing. being one or the other definitely has its advantages and disadvantages. living in the exact same environment as another and seeing two totally different aspects is quite an interesting thing. confusing at times. frustrating. refreshing. eye-opening. mind-boggling, at times. hmmmm...
we've been pet-sitting a friend's parakeet over winter break. i must say, having a living creature - that chirps, chatters, responds is fun to have around. we'll all miss him when he returns to his rightful owner. i think the most amusing thing is when he "dances" to the techno music jimmy played the other day. bobbing up and down. it was really quite comical!
and now, i must get in bed. no, no plans for tomorrow. but i'm thinking of baking. its about that time and kayla always enjoys helping me bake. good night. and happy 2010.
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| its been a while. i haven't felt much like blogging lately. its been busy. non-stop. as usual. and i'm having a hard time sorting through my thoughts. i'll try...
:: we made the decision to stay a third year in japan. nobody in authority has asked for our final say, so i suppose we technically could change our minds, but... so i wrestle.
:: we both had peace about staying. follow the peace, right? why am i struggling so much now, then?
:: there are so many things about being here that i really do love. kayla adores her school and friends. what a great opportunity for her to experience life outside of america. i have friends that love me and i know God brought into my life. i have co-workers that are amazing - really. i get to pour love into japanese students every single day - some of them will never know His love any other way. our family is nearly debt free - that's so freeing.
:: but alas. so much frustration gnaws on my insides. being here is truly a struggle for jimmy. we are married. we are one. when he struggles, i can't help but feel it too. yes, we've grown in huge ways. but sometimes i long for the "easy" things in life. no way do i think america is "easy" - its just the little things that i wouldn't have to deal with ...
:: like waking up in the mornings during the winter. seeing my breath b/c my house is absolutely freezing. uncontrollable shivering as i run to turn on the heaters and jump in bed to let the place heat up before attempting a shower. seriously. not fun.
:: like living in this house. let's face it. i wonder every day if living in this drafty, damp, mold-growing home is physically hurting my child. just saying.
:: or the things i can't control that frustrate me to the point that the tears burn the backs of my eyes. like, having another baby. physically, its incredibly dangerous for me to get pregnant while on blood pressure meds and given my history - and its physically dangerous for me to go off of these meds too. makes me want to cry. i never wanted kayla to be an only child. i know there is always the option of adoption, but some part of me always wanted to birth a child. after all, i got gipped out of my first experience. so silly. but still, it hurts.
:: let's be honest. i miss my family and friends. i've been here a year and 9 months solid. haven't even had the chance to meet my new nephew and niece who just celebrated their first brithdays. that really stinks.
:: but thinking of returning home. where to live. what to do. schools. i haven't the first clue of where to start with any of those. of course, not having a plan is no reason to stay.
:: and yet, some part of me feels like this is home. japan. funehiki. no matter how crappy the day is, i still love it here. we had peace. i don't feel like the peace has left - i'm just struggling to find myself in it these days.
anyway. there you have it. i'm generally an upbeat person. glass half full. but lately, i'm seeing the glass half empty. i don't like it. nope. not one bit. but that's the raw truth. take it or leave it. its me.
good night. | | |
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WISH LIST
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Many of you have asked me to post a wish list of things we'd love to have sent to us while in Japan. Here's a start...
*tapioca *instant fruit & cream oatmeal *poptarts *books for k *ghirardelli brownie mix *cake mix *peanut butter *chocolate chips *seasoning packets (ie: creamy garlic alfredo sauce, guacamole)
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